Around 1.2 million Ukrainians limping on psychological disorders and each year this figure is growing. Such data results the Ministry of social policy. What’s wrong with medicine in Ukraine how to react to special people in the world.
Four years ago, I realized that not cope anymore with life. Me unbearable, unbearable, unbearable. In addition, I was also a range of more obvious symptoms: olfactory hallucinations and derealization in a protracted episodes of depression and self-harm. But the impossibility of existence has always excited me the most.
During these four years, experts in three different countries – Lithuania, Ukraine and Japan – specific diagnosis to me and not delivered. Sounded such as depression, bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and boundary personality disorder. My close acquaintance with psychiatry began about six months before my first hospitalization.
For 4 years the specialists in three different countries specific diagnosis and did not put
At that time I had practice in her own specialty of the psychologist in a remote Lithuanian psychiatric hospital: music therapy conducted and participated in art therapy. One of the patients, then after seeing my pictures said:
Girl, how you place in our institution.
And for six months there I was. However, already in Vilnius.
“My work will not, I’m in the hospital”
Getting to the hospital, first called my Manager to explain the absence:
Hi Nerius. Me at work no, I have to go into a psychiatric hospital. Yes, and tomorrow too. Depression, very strong.
To call it was very scary, felt like a high school Pregolya who comes up with absurd excuses. The voice of my companion rang on the other end of the tube, giving the alarm. And will I be able to get through the week? And how long will the treatment? And I’m going to stay in the company?
Then went to the supermarket to buy biscuits and apples. Then I gathered my pajamas, some personal hygiene items and headed to the hospital located in the suburbs of Vilnius.
Very clearly remember that day was a rare Eclipse very scary and bloody sunset. In the waiting room of the hospital I was told that in days of floods and eclipses, they are always restless: many patients significantly worsens the condition.
Mental suffering cause the objective, clearly measurable external causes
I was expecting anything but this. Who needs an employee who is unable to cope with their responsibilities? Sorry, long time to work out there I still failed soon after the first hospitalization happened the second I decided to return to Ukraine.
Some days when I it was possible to use the phone, I got a call from some big boss from work. I was told that, given the circumstances, I’ll get a month of paid sick leave and that I are waiting in the office.
After the first “adult” series of episodes I came to realize that I have, I think, seriously. It seemed to me that both hospitalization was completely random and unfounded.
Moreover, I firmly believed that intentionally tricked doctors into believing in his imaginary symptoms. But why deceive? Attention wanted, of course.
It seemed that with the discharge from the hospital will cease and all these disgusting condition. I really wanted to believe it. At least, seeing as hospitalization broke and exhausted my mother, I decided not to “hurt”.
My disorder has become for me a synonym of shame, immaturity and mental laziness.
Jokes about “asylum” and “lunatics”
After returning from Lithuania to Ukraine, I immediately started to look for work. Swollen and plump from anti-psychotics, I started going on interviews and soon got obscure account Manager something of the same obscure.
From the office ran for two months: constant sensory overstimulation, the inability to be around people, frequent episodes of depersonalization. My career model began to take shape: I went to new places, but for the first few weeks necessarily “returned” to the familiar pathological condition. No, not in the normal stress of the first days of work. In the intolerance.
People are not used to talk about his “mental” illness, because the brutal world can turn everything into a joke
The question of his mental health in Ukraine with superiors and colleagues to discuss not tried. Haven’t seen atmosphere in which it would be safe to talk about it, without having to hold lectures: mental disorders exist, they’re not from idleness.
Jokes about “asylum” and “lunatics” really cut the ears in the Ukrainian collectives.
In Ukraine I have virtually no physical evidence of my illness (illnesses?), but a couple of unnecessary prescription drugs. Psychiatrists with whom I met here, in unison said, you don’t need no help, only life will spoil.
First, such an attitude seemed to me cynical or even unprofessional, but now I better understand the pragmatism of the situation. In a country where talking about mental disorder only joking (and in any case not to be serious), a trip to the psychiatrist puts you on a lifelong stigma, perhaps, do better to do without help, yet is there strength.
Plain blue trees
Nice to think that mental suffering cause the objective, clearly measurable external causes.
For example, I always thought that I suffer from being unable to find their place in life. Where’s often the person comes to mind to find their place in life? That’s right – not here.
“Not here” may be another job, another city or even country. My “not here” I found in Japan, in one of the many schools to study English.
Japan, as ever, has one of the highest suicide rates among developed countries, according to the world health organization. Here play the role of a culture of shame, growing social isolation, hard stigma around mental health issues. But for a foreigner still the language barrier, lack of reliable social support system, the inevitable cultural shock, limited opportunities for medical care.
Living with bipolar disorder is very difficult to learn to trust yourself
Tiny apartments are ideal to go through a personal tragedy alone. And if you can’t experience something for you there’s always the infamous suicide forest at the foot of mount Fuji, Aokigahara. Plain blue trees.
Getting a job in a Japanese school, I decided not to mention about his mental state – he was afraid of losing the magical chance to go to Japan. Therefore, for school management staff and my frequent hospital came as an unpleasant surprise. Pain again? But she already had a cold last week. And a stretched out arm, she was already etched. And migraines she was already strange.
After another round of deterioration, I decided to go to a psychiatrist. It’s hard to describe a quest that I had to go through to find an English-speaking psychiatrist in Tokyo: it turns out, psychiatrists in Japan are very few, even less those who at least speaks some English. In the end, my visit to the private “clinic of mental health” in the center Roppongi lasted only fifteen minutes: nine to fill out the paper, and six to talk to a doctor.
The doctor (my fifth psychiatrist) could not understand why I no one consistently does not observe and does not advise. Reluctantly discharged hospital certificate, issued a prescription for normotimiki (mood stabilizers), and asked me to return to him in two weeks.
Help had to carry to work – otherwise there would compensate for missed days. The Director of the school, expanding the envelope with a statement, not said a word. She didn’t speak English. I only saw, as she raised her eyebrows and twisted the corner of his mouth showing something similar to disgust. She asked me to find someone who could translate from Japanese, to talk to me.
Asked the standard questions: is it safe for kids I’m going to leave work, take pills. Promised not to tell the other teachers, but, as it turned out, spoke that evening of his most trusted subordinate.
For the month of unbearable work – oblique views of colleagues, increasing the load and all the worst state of being – I was called to Central office to talk.
It is difficult to come to terms with himself – in a lot of anger, frustration, a devotee of ambition
The company doctor said that he is afraid of my aggression (people with bipolar disorder can be prone to sudden outbursts during episodes of mania and Goman) that I’m a danger to children that he was almost sure that I will quickly leave.
It was very humiliating. I don’t have the strength to justification: first, Japanese corporate culture, they are not peculiar, and second, how can you ask forgiveness for your own health? “Sorry, I have diabetes and it makes you so uncomfortable. I’ll try not to hurt”?
And a month after that conversation I tried to kill myself – before Eachanari at home. And then went back to Ukraine.
Where I see myself in five years?
Living with bipolar disorder (or limit, or depressed, or whatever I have), it is very difficult to learn to trust yourself. I feel really bad or am I just imagining things? Is it really hallucinations?
Maybe if I could little more than try to be a little harder, a little more stable, then imaginary symptoms would be gone, frightened by my persistence and desire to give yourself advice? Unfortunately, the symptoms do not go away.
I still have not mastered the skill to live with a mental disorder. Don’t know how to talk about it with people around him, and worth it. How to combine work and sickness, where to carve out a place for painless self-development, how to build relationships. It is difficult to come to terms with myself. I have alot of anger, frustration, a devotee of ambition.
Through this it is difficult to make long-term plans and relationships, to promise, to think ahead. Where do you see yourself in five years, I like to ask on interviews. Don’t know, see.